Controlling the quality of life. That's what she said.

“Teen Witch” the movie the 80’s wish to forget happened


In the spirit of Halloween, ABC Family has been airing Halloween-related movies. Aside from the obvious horror films, their choice in movies is questionable. The entire Harry Potter series is used for their Halloween AND Christmas special countdowns, which is a bit odd, but at least they’re the better batch of movies aired. Then there’s the middle of the pack, such as The Mummy movies, which don’t particularly have anything to do with Halloween, but I guess mummies/scary stuff make the cut. Then there’s the worse of the worse. The movies that have nothing to do with Halloween AND are so poorly made – two thumbs down. The perfect example: Teen Witch.

This movie, cranked out at the end of the 80’s, is filled with cliches n’ 80’s ridiculousness that doesn’t contribute positively to the flow of the movie one bit. Aside from the complete lack of a plot, the random dance sequences and the ridiculously obnoxiously sensual, sappy, n’ loud music inserted into this disaster of a movie gives a bad name to the 80’s.

Here is one of the many dance breaks – a bunch of girls (probably cheerleaders, I can’t remember) start dancing in the girls locker room to a song that keeps repeating “We like boys” as Louise (creepily) stares from a distance.

N’ then there’s the whitest rap you’ve ever seen where Louise’s gal pal impresses her crush with a super sassy hip hop dance that completely adds to the whiteness of it all…

The final scene doesn’t disappoint as Louise walks into a pre-choreographed school dance (was it prom?).

It wouldn’t be an 80’s movie without a true love’s kiss…

If this movie’s only fault was a weak plot, it could be bearable n’ possibly charming, but elements of the story that are introduced are never fully explained, while some end results appear out of nowhere. Magic actually seems to rather be an afterthought – it’s only there to vaguely explain how Louise suddenly becomes popular. The movie is also void of any half-decent comedy, including one-liners that movies from this time always produce.

I would look just as frightened if a guy were trying to lure me into a completely rundown and abandoned house…

There is then the issue of the oh-so epic romance between Brad n’ Louise. I get that movies depict scenarios that probably wouldn’t happen in real life, but shouldn’t you try to at least make it somewhat believable? One minute he sees her as a nerdy dweeb in his senior English class (she skipped a grade), the next minute he hits her (with his car, accidentally of course), the next minute he’s hitting on her, n’ the next minute he’s suddenly making out with her in a dilapidated house. Speaking of which, if a guy leads you through a sunflower field that is your height leaving you alone to get lost, then points to a dilapidated shack with a creepy smile as you finally emerge from the field, wouldn’t you be worried? I mean…STRANGER DANGER. Not to mention all this is followed by the most awkward game of slow-mo-follow-the-leader resulting in a totally uncalled for make-out scene. Brad proclaims Louise is his kindred spirit of sort, which makes no sense seeing as they probably made out long than any of their conversations lasted. IF at the very least the romance was decently developed, this movie would have been more barely simply because, let’s face it, anyone who watches this movie is primarily looking for the romantic aspect. However, with no proper development of the romance, lack of plot, and complete overuse of signature 80’s film elements, this movie is rendered unwatchable.

If you’re looking for a sucky to watch n’ make fun of with your friends, this is the perfect movie. Full disclosure – I actually watched the movie again when ABC Family re-aired it to poke fun at it, which was actually entertaining in itself (pathetic, I know – but fun nonetheless).


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This entry was posted on October 26, 2012 by in Articles, Musings, QC Denied and tagged , , , .

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© Qùynh-Chi and QC APPROVED, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Qùynh-Chi and QC APPROVED with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
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